glorious
Something glorious is about to happen
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A traumatised ex-soldier, desperate to leave his past behind, is stranded on a space station with six strangers, their memories wiped, orbiting a start about to explode in a deadly Supernova.
To escape, he must unravel a dark mystery in a frantic race against time. He realises that true freedom can only be gained by sacrificing his desires, confronting his demons and ultimately letting go of the past. 'glorious' is a science fiction, psychological horror screenplay. |
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Glorious is a reworking of my 1999 & 2002 screenplays. The original versions met with some success but ultimately failed to be produced, despite two false starts. My goal is to develop it into a compelling, commercial property.
Watch this space...
'glorious' can be read on ScriptMother and Script Revolution
How the industry has received it:
2000: Long short listed in the Orange Prize for Screen Writing & Pathé Production Prize 1999.
Nov 2016 www.wescreenplay.com (Draft 3):
(The below is not the first draft but a page 1 re-write from the 1999 Pathé version. This is really draft v3)
Concept: 10.0 (99 percentile)
I have a fetish for this. This is the kind of idea that commands attention. There are plenty of emotions on display. This is a good setup for a mystery to unravel in eerie ways that pit the crew against each other, forming teams and competing motivations.
The Wraith-Sachs-Green love triangle… a half-sibling rivalry that spans most of their lives… an interesting diversion from a main plot creating tension and driving the main plot.
There is one thing that makes this: a supernova. This is something only seen a few times in human history, never up close. Putting a tense plot right next to one of the biggest ticking clocks in the galaxy is a proportionally strong pacing device.
The climax, the actual supernova, reads as exciting, blockbuster sci-fi visuals.
DIALOG
With group character drama taking center stage, the dialog is the sole carrier of the scenes. Credit must be given to the dialog for not getting bogged down in exposition. The sci-fi genre generally requires a great deal of exposition, but this script actually manages to avoid it. What specifically went wrong to <redaction> is never bluntly stated - the audience can still glean that <redacted> for a catastrophic reason.
CONCEPT
Enough praise can’t be given to the concept. The concept is golden.
There’s an interesting premise and setup building to an inevitably exciting climax. A sequence of events, actions, and decisions from a well established emotional perspective.
As far as first drafts go, this one is in good shape.
Jan-2003 First Film Foundation (Draft 2 – lost):
Synopsis
Bemused to find themselves stranded on a space station orbiting a dying sun, without any recollection of who they are, crew members try to piece together the mystery. As they explore their surroundings, they begin to have group memories that inform them about their situation. On the eve of making scientific history with their research into the neighbouring supernova, a combination of ego clashes brought about their downfall.
Fighting against time as the sun is about to explode, <redacted> only just manage to leave the doomed station before it blows.
Premise
This is a very ambitious idea. There are certainly some interesting themes at work.
Structure & Plot
The concept of amnesiacs piecing together a troubled past is always intriguing, and I like the way the narrative unfolds through revisited memories.
Character
The love triangle brought a much needed human element into the piece. Each character has their own human failing that contributes to the breakdown of the mission.
Pace
The premise is established quickly. There is a sense of crescendo towards the end.
Attention to Detail
The description of the sun exploding... is beautiful.
Verdict
I have to admit that sci-fi isn't to my taste, meaning that I may have struggled to understand this story more than an ardent fan. A good narrative accessible to anyone, regardless of the content. There is definitely an interesting idea at play here.
1999 Orange / Pathé Coverage (Draft 1):
This is a script laced with twists and tums, layered with <redacted> references. The basic premise shows a group of people stranded in space together. Their coping mechanisms, survival instincts and quest for escape are under scrutiny. As they begin to remember the reasons that brought them together, they leam that old habits die hard. The conflicts or the attractions of the past creep up on them. This raises interesting, provocative questions, such as can old traits be replaced by new ones or can you learn from hindsight and do you get a second chance? The structure of the peer group is well defined, the dynamics of the group are both convincing and plausible.
Structure:
The three acts are clearly defined. The strength of this script is in its original premise, the way people function collectively through and despite adversity. Perhaps there are too many hidden messages, or <redacted> references. Presently the writer seems to focus on whether the audience has got the clues he has left behind.
Characterisation:
We soon discover that the scientists represent <redacted>. This is done well and subtly. The most natural of the characters is Sachs. She seems to be the only character that emotionally reacts to the strangeness of the situation. Her fear and anxiety therefore is plausible.
Visual Storytelling:
The writer has an obvious understanding of how to tell a visual story. He has a clear direction and vision of how he wants the audience to see this story, which has been finely choreographed. The use of flashbacks has been well crafted and would probably be better seen than read.
Dialogue:
The dialogue in the script is convincing. The writer has given each of the characters their own distinct voices, allowing us to distinguish one person from another.
Pace:
The script has a clear pace running throughout. The writer successfully varies it, for example building up the pace to create tension when the scientists are searching the space station, or slowing down the tempo during the love scenes between <redacted> and <redacted>. This works well and helps to engage the audience with the story.
Feasibility:
This again is a tricky one. Technically this screenplay may be difficult though not impossible to achieve. The special effects needed for the many astronomical shots may create a problem. But as the writer suggests <redacted> may be an appropriate location for the space station and would be the only location needed. This film could be achievable on a low budget. Science Fiction films generate a wide appeal. This script deals with issues that are central to the human condition, e.g. survival and <redacted>. It taps into emotions familiar in most of us, allowing an audience to recognise elements of themselves within each of the characters.
Conclusion:
This script has much potential. Although we enjoy looking out for the clandestine messages, they do not serve a purpose. Once this is rectified, the potential already in the script would be greatly enhanced.
2000: Long short listed in the Orange Prize for Screen Writing & Pathé Production Prize 1999.
Nov 2016 www.wescreenplay.com (Draft 3):
(The below is not the first draft but a page 1 re-write from the 1999 Pathé version. This is really draft v3)
Concept: 10.0 (99 percentile)
I have a fetish for this. This is the kind of idea that commands attention. There are plenty of emotions on display. This is a good setup for a mystery to unravel in eerie ways that pit the crew against each other, forming teams and competing motivations.
The Wraith-Sachs-Green love triangle… a half-sibling rivalry that spans most of their lives… an interesting diversion from a main plot creating tension and driving the main plot.
There is one thing that makes this: a supernova. This is something only seen a few times in human history, never up close. Putting a tense plot right next to one of the biggest ticking clocks in the galaxy is a proportionally strong pacing device.
The climax, the actual supernova, reads as exciting, blockbuster sci-fi visuals.
DIALOG
With group character drama taking center stage, the dialog is the sole carrier of the scenes. Credit must be given to the dialog for not getting bogged down in exposition. The sci-fi genre generally requires a great deal of exposition, but this script actually manages to avoid it. What specifically went wrong to <redaction> is never bluntly stated - the audience can still glean that <redacted> for a catastrophic reason.
CONCEPT
Enough praise can’t be given to the concept. The concept is golden.
There’s an interesting premise and setup building to an inevitably exciting climax. A sequence of events, actions, and decisions from a well established emotional perspective.
As far as first drafts go, this one is in good shape.
Jan-2003 First Film Foundation (Draft 2 – lost):
Synopsis
Bemused to find themselves stranded on a space station orbiting a dying sun, without any recollection of who they are, crew members try to piece together the mystery. As they explore their surroundings, they begin to have group memories that inform them about their situation. On the eve of making scientific history with their research into the neighbouring supernova, a combination of ego clashes brought about their downfall.
Fighting against time as the sun is about to explode, <redacted> only just manage to leave the doomed station before it blows.
Premise
This is a very ambitious idea. There are certainly some interesting themes at work.
Structure & Plot
The concept of amnesiacs piecing together a troubled past is always intriguing, and I like the way the narrative unfolds through revisited memories.
Character
The love triangle brought a much needed human element into the piece. Each character has their own human failing that contributes to the breakdown of the mission.
Pace
The premise is established quickly. There is a sense of crescendo towards the end.
Attention to Detail
The description of the sun exploding... is beautiful.
Verdict
I have to admit that sci-fi isn't to my taste, meaning that I may have struggled to understand this story more than an ardent fan. A good narrative accessible to anyone, regardless of the content. There is definitely an interesting idea at play here.
1999 Orange / Pathé Coverage (Draft 1):
This is a script laced with twists and tums, layered with <redacted> references. The basic premise shows a group of people stranded in space together. Their coping mechanisms, survival instincts and quest for escape are under scrutiny. As they begin to remember the reasons that brought them together, they leam that old habits die hard. The conflicts or the attractions of the past creep up on them. This raises interesting, provocative questions, such as can old traits be replaced by new ones or can you learn from hindsight and do you get a second chance? The structure of the peer group is well defined, the dynamics of the group are both convincing and plausible.
Structure:
The three acts are clearly defined. The strength of this script is in its original premise, the way people function collectively through and despite adversity. Perhaps there are too many hidden messages, or <redacted> references. Presently the writer seems to focus on whether the audience has got the clues he has left behind.
Characterisation:
We soon discover that the scientists represent <redacted>. This is done well and subtly. The most natural of the characters is Sachs. She seems to be the only character that emotionally reacts to the strangeness of the situation. Her fear and anxiety therefore is plausible.
Visual Storytelling:
The writer has an obvious understanding of how to tell a visual story. He has a clear direction and vision of how he wants the audience to see this story, which has been finely choreographed. The use of flashbacks has been well crafted and would probably be better seen than read.
Dialogue:
The dialogue in the script is convincing. The writer has given each of the characters their own distinct voices, allowing us to distinguish one person from another.
Pace:
The script has a clear pace running throughout. The writer successfully varies it, for example building up the pace to create tension when the scientists are searching the space station, or slowing down the tempo during the love scenes between <redacted> and <redacted>. This works well and helps to engage the audience with the story.
Feasibility:
This again is a tricky one. Technically this screenplay may be difficult though not impossible to achieve. The special effects needed for the many astronomical shots may create a problem. But as the writer suggests <redacted> may be an appropriate location for the space station and would be the only location needed. This film could be achievable on a low budget. Science Fiction films generate a wide appeal. This script deals with issues that are central to the human condition, e.g. survival and <redacted>. It taps into emotions familiar in most of us, allowing an audience to recognise elements of themselves within each of the characters.
Conclusion:
This script has much potential. Although we enjoy looking out for the clandestine messages, they do not serve a purpose. Once this is rectified, the potential already in the script would be greatly enhanced.
A diary of the screenplay re-development can be found below:
23-June 2016 Glorious v3.0 draft completed & shared for review. I'm now free to start work on LMOE v3.0!
17-June Glorious: I added some tweaks: something I'd forgotten and also more lines to the ending. I now need to work out what else I have to do to consider this draft done. It's spot on at 107 pages long.
16-June Glorious: I just tweaked some lines today at work, and added a few new lines in. At home I wrote the two missing scenes. I also worked out a slightly tweaked, new structure, which means I need to lose some of Act 2b / start of Act 3, then add something new to the end of Act 3. It sounds complicated but it really helps with pacing. I may also need to add a few new scenes / obstacles to the ending.
15-June Glorious: I've written Act 3 in a lot less time than expected, 'cos it's a lot shorter than I planned! I need to revisit it (from page 96 on wards). That is now a 106 page draft v3.1 version COMPLETED. (I just have to go back and a two tiny scenes I missed.) At home I wrote a whole new finale scene then had to shorten the last Act accordingly.
14-June Glorious: I wrote the <redacted>. That's Act 2b completed! I'm about 2 pages over length, at the start of page 87. Three quarters of the script is now written. I have just 20 pages to go. I outlined to the end of the 'Big Yes' on
page 96. At home I wrote the 'No', 'Big No' sections and started the 'Final Yes' section. I'm up to page 99 of 107.
13-June Glorious: I outlined to the end of Act 2b - the <redacted>! Now just need to format & re-write it. Up to page 86. I just need to write the <redacted> to complete Act 2b and be two thirds of the way through the screenplay.
12-June Glorious: The missing 8 sections took it just over 77 pages but I'm fine with that. I'll write to the end of Act 2b and see if I need to go back and lose any or not. I've outlined the next 2 (of 4) sections and I'm up to about 80 pages. Those last 5 pages I need to edit out will be hard!
09-June Glorious: I edited up to page 75, but it still goes up to page 80 & I still haven't written anything new yet! I need to lose 5 - 10 pages! At home: I edited it down to just over 74 pages! Now I just have to write the missing 8 sections in less than two pages…
08-June Glorious: Finished an important section and wrote right up to the next <redacted>. All by page 65. There are some real nice touches too. Now I just need to write the most important section of the story, the final <redacted>!
08-June Glorious: I copied another <redacted> in from the 1999 draft. I still have 8 sections to write and it's already at page 84, this section has to finish by page 85. Lots of editing needed!
07-June Glorious: I editing the whole of the script from the start. I got it down to the end of page 55. That'll do. Time to move onto Act 2b! At got to page 60 and the first go at the distress signal. I need to reduce this. At home I pasted in some text from the 1999 draft. I need to greatly reduce this. I'm up to page 66.
06-June Glorious: I've got the editing down to 5 lines into page 57. I'm going to start from the beginning & see what can be removed...
05-June Glorious: Ok, so the end of Act 2A is 60 pages & I need to get it down to 55 pages. I've got it down to just under 59, at least 3 to go… Starting to edit from page 27 on wards.
04-June Glorious: I wrote to the end of Act 2A, up to page 58. I managed to edit out about a page, but left a big section earlier unwritten for me to go back to. I have so much to edit out, I need to lose about 5 pages from the last 15!
03-June Glorious: I edited & formatted up to the end of the argument scene. Up to page 53. I'm aiming at 107 pages so almost half way.
02-June Glorious: I edited the <redacted> and the argument scene afterwards. I need to lose a further 30% - 50% of this. Up to page 50 already!
01-June Glorious: I gave a few lines to the protagonist to keep him in charge, and ensure that it's him that propels the narrative forwards. I wrote to the end of the fourth <redacted> on page 45. I need to go back and tighten it from page 35 on wards.
01-June Glorious: I cleaned it up until page 45. I also added the outline of the fourth <redacted>.
31-May Glorious: (At Home): Extreme editing to remove half of a page. Wrote the third <redacted>. It's currently 1 - 2 pages too long. I'm up to page 41.
31-May Glorious: (At Work) The first deep cut, about 30 seconds of the end of Act 1 removed to make more space at the start of Act 2a. It hurt. Wrote to mid page 36. Still too long by half a page but the first section of Act 2a / draft 1 is complete.
30-May Glorious: Extended the second <redacted>.
28-May Glorious: I completed the scene from yesterday and mapped an outline of the second <redacted>.
27-May Glorious: I changed all of the character descriptions. I wrote two characters in what may be a pivotal scene, or may not be, it's up to you. I'm up to page 21, where I started the second <redacted>.
26-May Glorious: I tweaked a few lines, and shortened pages 16 & 17. Getting closer to the end of Act 1.
25-May Glorious: Up to page 17 / Section 8. I also re-wrote the introduction of two characters. I left more notes for the rest of the section, but it seems too long. To be completed.
25-May Glorious: I cleaned up & re-wrote until the end of page 17. I also got a little confused and inadvertently wrote a section for Act 2a (sometime after page 35).
24-May Glorious: Wrote to page 11. Re-wrote the opening scenes & first <redacted> of the script. I added two establishing shots to the opening scenes.
23-May Glorious: Got all the way to page 16, and also wrote guide text all the way to the end of section 3 / page 17.
22-May Glorious: Now up to page 8, and the second block of beats.
20-May Glorious: Refined the first 4 pages. It's not going quickly.
19-May Glorious: Now up to scene 3, page 4.
18-May Glorious: I started writing! I got as far as scene 1, draft 1.
16-May Glorious: I've now completed my story planning sufficiently to begin writing.
09/05/15 Finished the character arcs, decisions and lessons learnt. This was fun.
08/05/05 I finished all of the small details of the character design, except for two minor characters, but I can work those out as I go.
06/05/16 I worked out exactly what each character thinks based on their allegiances and motivations. I also extensively explored re-working the structure and order, but eventually arrived at a new character driven, rather than plot driven, reason for the structure. I then expanded the ending - I can't wait to write it! - then worked on some imagery & symbolism to be included.
05/05/16 I completed plotting Acts 2b & 3 including the ending. I worked far, far too late into the night.
04/05/16 I worked out something called the '3rd Act Solution' which goes at the end of Act 2b. I worked out an acronym for the name of the space station, as well as a new minor motivator for the protagonist. Finally, I changed the pitch text that describes the story.
02/05/16 Finished plotting Acts 1 & 2a. It was like pulling teeth.
27/04/16 Glorious: I did my first tiny bit of plotting today, and worked out the first 2 - 3 beats.
24/04/16 Glorious: Boy can I procrastinate! I've spent the last few days updating my website, including adding this page!
21/04/16 Glorious: I've spent the whole week expanding my knowledge of the characters and their interactions. Pretty technical stuff really.
16/04/16 Glorious: I've spent a few days brainstorming the character back stories for 'glorious'. Some interesting stuff came out. I then worked on the relationship each character has with the protagonist, like protector, believer, thinker, feeler, doubter, moral compass etc. I also worked on 'the unity of opposites'; the minor character 'spats' that mirror the main hero and villain tussle and help to add conflict and texture.
24/04/16 Glorious: Boy can I procrastinate! I've spent the last few days updating my website, including adding this page!
21/04/16 Glorious: I've spent the whole week expanding my knowledge of the characters and their interactions. Pretty technical stuff really.
16/04/16 Glorious: I've spent a few days brainstorming the character back stories for 'glorious'. Some interesting stuff came out. I then worked on the relationship each character has with the protagonist, like protector, believer, thinker, feeler, doubter, moral compass etc. I also worked on 'the unity of opposites'; the minor character 'spats' that mirror the main hero and villain tussle and help to add conflict and texture.
12/04/16 Glorious: While enjoying a few days away in Devon, I completed the first step to rewriting my screenplay 'glorious'. I finished a scene by scene, page by page analysis of the last draft I can find, v1.0 from 1999. I know for sure that there were subsequent re-writes, including a major 2002 re-write, but I just can't find them. I can see what's wrong with the original script, but correcting it will be a long, arduous task.
09/04/16 Glorious: I had some professional coverage of earlier versions of the script by a few production companies in 1999 and 2002. The first step was to analyse the constructive criticism I received, to make sure I incorporated the valuable notes into the new version I'm about to write (v3.0).
Apr-16 Here goes!
1999 draft v1.0: Below is the original pitch that piqued Pathe's interest way back in 1999:
Apr-16 Here goes!
1999 draft v1.0: Below is the original pitch that piqued Pathe's interest way back in 1999:
A future soldier has to overcome amnesia, escape from a distant moon and regain the love of his life, all before the sun explodes.
Creation's about to lose one of its greatest stars.
Creation's about to lose one of its greatest stars.
